Thursday, 2 January 2014

Home alone

right now, i wish i had someone to complain to. 

no-one is home. 

i love being home alone, love the space to wander round and daydream and play. i always have. tis the perfect environment for dreaming and writing, but also for feeling gloomy. i wish i could call someone and talk to them, but there's no point, as all i want to say is 'i have a viva coming up and i don't want to do it…. i did really badly on some parts of this phd… i don't want to… waaah.' i've already had this conversation with the Lover, and he calmed me down and said nice things, but i want more. i want to email everyone in the world who might be able to help, anyone who ever did a viva, and ask their advice. (there is no point; I know what needs doing; I just want to moan about it.) i want twenty people to calm me down and cheer me up, each one in turn. i want to write to everyone who is or ever was a friend, and complain loudly about this. not just the viva, but everything. what is there to look forward to, beyond the viva?… am i ever going to get the job that i want?…. how am i?… i haven't managed it so far, so i don't see why all of a sudden i should. i'm feeling very pessimistic at the moment. 

someone told me that 'if you've managed to finish your PhD, that means you can do anything now'. this someone meant: if you've managed to cope with such a massive, stressful thing, then there is nothing you can't cope with doing. well, that i-can-do-anything feeling had better kick in sometime soon. that's all i can say. 

sigh. this time last year, i was very sad. this time this year, i am much less so. but i do wish this bloody thing were over, and I didn't have to worry about it anymore. 

(pass or fail; either pass or fail is fine. but please, please, examiners; please, God; not major corrections. please.)


  1. Hi cloud nine, I have just recently begun to read your blog. I'm from Portugal and currently in the 3rd year of my phd in biology. Yes, I feel your pain! Also hate everything about my phd. Reading your blog brought me comfort and made me laugh (which is really great nowadays!). I never comment, but I have decided to do so just to try to be one of the twenty people to cheer you up!! You are almost there… almost over (I envy that!). I don’t know you, but I’m pretty sure you’ll be fine, with NO major corrections  When you’re over, I’ll miss your posts… I still have a long way to go.
    best of luck!

    1. hey hey!... Thanks for commenting!... (Turns out I didn't need 20 people to cheer me up... it just took one! :)

      Aaaaah, the 3rd year. You know, when I was in my third year I remember I was going through a pretty low time... but now I think back and I remember all the great things I did and enjoyed alongside my PhD, and I wish I had just worried less, and trusted myself more that I would eventually get it done. I wish I had taken more breaks, and I wish I hadn't let myself feel guilty when I did take time off for fun things. If you are hating your PhD, maybe try taking a proper break from it for a while, go on holiday, do something you love (eg. lie on the beach). I have learnt that in order to want to do some PhD, you need to have proper time away from it first. The less you work on it, the more you actually want to. Or something.

      So have the weekends off, don't bother working past 5pm, do lots of exercise and look after yourself!!

      And I think you're not going to see the back of me for a while yet... I think maybe once you're a PhD student, you're always a PhD student (same as a recovering alcoholic). I think this blog may carry on for a while longer. Like Jeff Buckley sang, 'It's never over...'

      (... I mean that in a good way!!! :)