right now, i wish i had someone to complain to.
no-one is home.
i love being home alone, love the space to wander round and daydream and play. i always have. tis the perfect environment for dreaming and writing, but also for feeling gloomy. i wish i could call someone and talk to them, but there's no point, as all i want to say is 'i have a viva coming up and i don't want to do it…. i did really badly on some parts of this phd… i don't want to… waaah.' i've already had this conversation with the Lover, and he calmed me down and said nice things, but i want more. i want to email everyone in the world who might be able to help, anyone who ever did a viva, and ask their advice. (there is no point; I know what needs doing; I just want to moan about it.) i want twenty people to calm me down and cheer me up, each one in turn. i want to write to everyone who is or ever was a friend, and complain loudly about this. not just the viva, but everything. what is there to look forward to, beyond the viva?… am i ever going to get the job that i want?…. how am i?… i haven't managed it so far, so i don't see why all of a sudden i should. i'm feeling very pessimistic at the moment.
someone told me that 'if you've managed to finish your PhD, that means you can do anything now'. this someone meant: if you've managed to cope with such a massive, stressful thing, then there is nothing you can't cope with doing. well, that i-can-do-anything feeling had better kick in sometime soon. that's all i can say.
sigh. this time last year, i was very sad. this time this year, i am much less so. but i do wish this bloody thing were over, and I didn't have to worry about it anymore.
(pass or fail; either pass or fail is fine. but please, please, examiners; please, God; not major corrections. please.)