right, enough of this. i have decided that if i am ever to get out of this PhD alive, i should probably change my attitude to it.
at the moment, i get up early every day and then sit in front of the computer, telling myself that 'i can't do this' and 'this is too hard'. i make a half-hearted attempt at writing, which consists of typing out the odd half-sentence and then scrolling down people's Facebook pages for five hours. at odd moments during the day, i might have a bit of a cry.
'you know', someone said to me helpfully, 'the Guru* would say that if you tell yourself negative things like 'i can't do this' or 'i'm not good at this', it becomes a sort of self-fulfilling thing...' i nodded politely and smiled and wondered if maybe I should check my Facebook again soon.
but this someone had a point. i have told myself so many times that 'i can't do this', that to tell myself now 'YEAH I CAN!!' seems like an outright lie. it's so much easier, telling yourself that you 'can't'. it even borders on the dramatic, the vaguely interesting. but it's getting increasingly difficult to fool my brain into accepting a task which it has been told it hates, and isn't any good at. (i think the problem is that my brain has figured out that i am now an adult, and as such i don't have to agree to do something i don't want to do. so, whereas when i was an undergraduate i could fool my brain into stressing over an essay, and thereby get it done on time, nowadays i can just hear myself thinking: 'meh... what's [my Supervisor] going to do to me?...' and i know full well that no-one can do anything to me that matters, if i don't write my PhD.)
so i am going to try something which i have been meaning to try for a while, and which i have sort of tried, but only in a half-arsed, sarcastic sort of way: i am going to become one of those unflinchingly positive people who only say nice things about themselves and their PhDs. i am going to give up the delicious, self-destructive game of Hating my PhD. i am going to tell people that i love it. i am even going to write little notes to myself to tape on the mirror, telling myself that i love it. i love my job!... i LOVE writing!... from today, i am going to try to be sickeningly positive about my PhD.
maybe i should change the name of this blog to 'i heart my PhD'?...
*'the Guru': in this blog, i refer to several Gurus i have worked with; this particular one has taught me yoga, and also teaches the art of being positive about everything. have considered booking myself a private tutorial with him and sobbing on his shoulder. have not yet done this, partly because a part of me thinks that i should be able to do this without the Guru, and partly because the small issue of my funding coming to an end is stopping me from putting my hand in my pocket.