Cloud Nine Makes a Decision

Revolutionary idea: today* (5th March) I decided to be happy.

(Or should that be: I decided to decide to be happy.)

(A bit like when I was 17 and I sort of decided to 'decide' that I was 'pretty'.  Enough people had said this about me (like, 2 people) in situations which made me think that I could just believe that this was objectively true. I cannot describe how nice it feels when you make the decision that you are not going to be relentlessly negative about yourself and your looks anymore, and that you're just going to accept a compliment and make that compliment part of your story. But that's another story for another day.) Today's resolution: I decide that I am happy.

That morning, I was mentally composing a letter to an internet agony aunt (Dear so-and-so: I'm feeling low. I don't have a 'real job'. I'm nearly 35 and I don't have all the things....) - and was going over my arsenal of tricks to keep the freaking out at bay (Self-help book!... Affirmations!... Turn the negative into a positive!... Flip it round!... 'I'm so stressed about not having a job = I'm so excited not to have a boring job!'... Visualise success!... and so on). In the evening I went for a late swim, repeating nice things to myself in my head as I swam back and forth. I felt better. All of a sudden, the thought just popped into my head: I decide to be happy. I decide to be excited about everything.

(Day to day, I'm pretty happy. I wander around smiling to myself and find myself feeling pretty damn happy about things like a whiff of fresh air, a flower growing somewhere, a nice cup of tea. Sometimes I think about the things I'm trying to do - my 'portfolio career', as it's been described - and I get excited about the endless possibilities of everything.

Then other times (like the times when someone mentions mortgages, or when you accidentally agree to split a huge bill when you only had a starter, I feel sad and I think but how, how can I be happy when there is THIS...)

And then, this week, I just thought: is it like that thing where you literally DECIDE that you are happy, and it's true because you make it true?...

I'm doing a 30-day challenge, found in an old magazine, which is actually about developing business ideas and making stuff, but I might throw this one in: I decide to be happy. I am going to make a conscious effort to be happy more often - deliberately, consciously, unapologetically.

Will report back and let you know how it's going.

Xx

*those words were written 'today' when 'today' was 5th March. That's now technically 'yesterday', but I decided to keep the wording, because those are nice words to have in your head. Today I decide to be happy.