Thursday 17 August 2017

'What have I done'


I had a sad thought cross my mind the other day, and it was this: am I just a big waste of space?... I don't really do anything, I haven't really ACHIEVED anything; four years on from my PhD and still I haven't found a decent job; all I do is potter around in my Grotty Job from time to time, pursue a few creative projects half-arsedly on the side, and mostly I just sit around, have a nice time, cook and eat and spend too much money, go to gyms and exercise, scribble useless things in a notebook, and apart from that, nothing.

This is one of those thoughts that comes to you when you are trying to work alone and are a bit panicked, and you haven't planned your time very well so the day stretches blankly ahead like an empty succession of hours to be wasted; you know you have lots to do, but you can't even remember where to start; and then the thought comes to you, masquerading as a perfectly logical truth, based on the 'facts' of that day (I'm terrible, I'm not even doing anything, I'm not doing anything good with my life).

It's not true, of course. I had to think very hard about this one, but eventually I remembered that I am not a waste of space. I think I'm often confusing the notion of 'success' with 'financial success', which, tis true, is something I haven't yet completely achieved. But if, actually, the point of being in this world is to light up your corner of that world a little bit, and contribute something, and help a few people achieve their goal, then maybe I haven't done too badly.

I have:

- helped one or two people finish their PhD (and the proof is in their comments!... Thanks, lovely people!...)

- taught many students, over my time as an 'academic', and at least one of those students reports being inspired by this

- I have done a lot of creative projects and have amused many people with silly, pretty things... (I was trawling through my laptop the other day, searching for a specific file, and I was surprised by how many forgotten old little commissions I ran across - and actually how much effort and joy had gone into them...)

- I keep forgetting this one: I have written a book!... (and I want to write another one - I have so many projects in the pipeline - but how to do them all?... How?... ... Note to self: dig out The Procrastination Bible. That is ALWAYS the solution)

- I have written things and published things online that people have enjoyed.

- I have been nice to friends and family and cooked them food and tried to give them love and kindness (I've probably failed quite a lot at this last bit, I know, but I do try)



... Quote of the day:

"Let your life be shaped by decisions you made, not by the ones you didn’t."


(Maybe I haven't really made too many 'bad' decisions; none that I wouldn't own to, and none that I wouldn't 'stand by'. It's not too bad, this life of mine. It's what I created; it's genuinely and honestly mine. Maybe people will say nice things about me at my funeral.)



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Contact me on hatemyphd 'at' yahoo.com

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