*[title of popular TV show from the Nineties. Replace 'cook' with 'work'.]
this morning i am depressed. when will i ever finish?... why has this been so hard?... (i know, i know; the procrastination bible says you are not supposed to say things like 'when will i finish?' instead, you are supposed to ask: when can i start?... i know this, and therefore i know what to do. but it all just feels so... blah. how i wish i could have done the whole thing differently. for a start, i wish i had worked LESS. i wish i had understood the advice of that Guru, back in the first week of term, who gave a talk on 'Happiness in Academia', and who told us that it is better to work for three hours every day than to work for eight hours one day and be exhausted the next. i think of all the things i could have done with my time if only i'd listened to his advice... (the thing is: i was convinced that i was somehow way behind everyone else and way behind the perfect image of where i thought i should be - 'should have read this book by now, should know this already, should be able to write better than this'... and that's why, ladies and gentlemen, i did not believe the guy when he said 'three hours a day'. i thought, yeah, sure, that's great advice, but i can't do that, can i, seeing as i have just wasted this day doing X and therefore tomorrow i MUST put in at LEAST eight hours...
ah, the stupidity of the young. if only you could turn back time.
would i want to go back in time, and confront that sense of vulnerability over my own ignorance again?... not particularly. that bit was horrible (writing things and getting it wrong; getting told that my references were all wrong, and struggling to learn the correct way of doing it; trying to understand things...) i am not sure i would put myself through that again, unless i had some magic formula this time (such as is available in the Procrastination Bible) for coping with my lack of confidence.
i wish i could write all over Facebook today: I FEEL DEPRESSED. when am i ever going to finish this PhD?...
i need to get better, somehow, at getting up and doing stuff straight away. i have been awake for at least two hours now (it is 9), and i have not started work yet. that's two hours of footnoting, or just rereading, or just... anything. two hours which might already be behind me.
but i just didn't want to.